i don’t know anything
i don’t know anything.
i’ve never been here. or anywhere, bcause i’ve never been.
no place
no memory
floating
hm. i am afraid to hold anything because what if i find out i stole it. i am afraid to press my foot past the almost not there membrane of the water, because what if it sputters, upset by the makeup of my skin, a chemical offense, and rejects me? i am hydrophobic. i am home averse. my allegiance to nothing. nowhere is mine.
nowhere is mine.
and so i hold it tite
hold all this nothing against myself and fall,
nothing, there to catch me
i throw myself at it
desperate, angry
before the wrongness of feeling sets in. there is nothing. disgusted by the presence of something in the chest. shoo even the disgust away. nothing lives here.
i belong to nobody.
there is no lineage
no land
no hay ninguna patria ni ninguna memoria. when i hold sand it falls past me. the river water is not disturbed by my standing in its path. the salt in the sea does not make me float. i do not speak, for fear that it may emerge garbled and wrong. my throat warping to make sound. my tongue, twisted, foreign to itself. my skin, translucent. iamnotherenotnothingthereisntanythinghereiveneverbeenandthereisnooneelsethereisnothingihaveneverfeltanywherethereisnothingtofeeliseethroughmyselfandknowiamnoticannotbebecausetherehasbeennowherethatihavebeenandthereisnothinglefttosay.
meaninglessness
absurdity
abstraction
nothingness
end
emptiness
infinity
stillness
abolition of everything
whole
complete
isn’t
can’t
none
revaluation of values
indifference
apathy
empathy
being
not knowing
not seeing
black
white
obliteration
endlessness
everything
unmade
impossible
empty
(this is selfish)
destruction and destruction and destruction and violent endless ravaging of life makes it so hard to want to feeli’m trying to resist the desire to disappearbut if i felt it all i wouldstart screaming and never stop i wouldstart screaming until my throat bleeds andmy insides would implode and collapse onto themselvesform a black hole or a supernova or whatever the fuck it’s called andmy skin would tear so fast the sound of the ripping would slice the earth into partsthe parts would go flying into the sunand everything would burn
…
i am going to organize public screaming time where we meet somewhere public and just scream and yell for as long as we can we need to feel we need to react with the depth of emotion that this grief deserves we can no longer follow propriety it is a trap and we kill ourselves by suppressing it /not a metaphor or a joke this is serious i am going to do it
